Dear frozen food company that rhymes with “Lawn” Man,

Thank you for stopping by every second Monday for the past 2 years to see if I am in need of any frozen goods. I heartily enjoy the cut corn and beef taquitos you supply. I also appreciate the fact that despite my rudeness in pretending not to be home when I don’t need anything you continue to be courteous on the rare occasion that I do answer when you come to my door.
But, you see, the products you offer, aside from the corn and taquitos of course, are things I don’t care to buy and a there’s a limit to how much corn my family can consume. I’ve been thinking, it is hardly worth the time you spend walking from your truck, to my unanswered door, and back just for the occasional $2.00 bag of corn. I truly feel that it’s time I set you free, Jeff. Free to spend more time driving to the homes of people who regularly buy multiple frozen entrees.
As I said, I’ve felt this way for rather a long time, but have finally been granted the courage to go through with the break up because of the recent barrage of phone calls I’ve received from your company.
It began last Friday. I was sitting at the computer, enjoying my bit of alone time when the call came. The woman said she was calling to remind me that you would be stopping by on Monday and would I like to pre-order any (pause while she refers to my file) corn? I told her, no thank you, we still had plenty of corn from your last visit, and hung up the phone wondering to myself if the call had something to do with the number of times I’ve been “not home” when you stopped by. On with my life I went and on Monday I listened quietly until the sound of your refrigerated truck retreated down the street as is my custom.
Today I got a similar call. I tried my best to keep the annoyance out of my voice as I explained to the woman that really, it was not a good time for me to discuss my need for taquitos (which she selected from her list to suggest). You see, sales calls are one of the things I most despise.
Just now, as I was getting lunch for a pair of babies one of whom prefers to throw her food rather than eat it and another who eats everything I give him, so fast I can hardly keep him supplied, the phone rang. “******’s foods” read the caller ID. “Surely they are not calling twice in one day!” thought I, “This call must be concerning something different”.
It wasn’t.
As the fellow on the other end of the phone line continued on with his script I grew increasingly bothered. By the time he came to the pause while he checked my file for an item to suggest I had made my decision. I would cancel the food delivery service all together as I had been contemplating.
I planned to be calm and simply state that I’d like to be removed from all lists, I don’t buy enough to make the service necessary or anything that I can’t get else where. Besides which, I can’t stand sales calls and if I get my taquitos at Cost-co I won’t have to worry about them calling to see if I want some more.
That didn’t happen. Here’s what I blurted with just enough self control to keep the hostility from my voice if not the aggravation. “You know what? I’m just gonna have to go ahead and cancel the service because you guys just.. keep.. CALLING me and it is honetly driving… me… a little bit, INSANE!” The response I got was, “Oh, I can certainly take you off the call list.” I didn’t trust myself to be polite to the poor man who surely didn’t know of my extreme hatred of sales calls or the fact that he was the second ****** representative to call me that day, or that one baby was flinging marinara covered noodles as fast as her little hands could move while the other grunted for more food. I thanked him for taking me off the phone list and hung up.
So here we are Jeff, I want you to know that it’s not you. You have been an exemplary delivery man. It is just time for ****** and myself to part ways. I hope you’ll understand.



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